Those Crazy Brits

unionLet me start off by saying that I am a HUGE Anglophile. I love all things British, always have. The first time I went, I was in London, turned a corner, and there was Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. I burst into tears.

To see this magnificent structure that I have only ever seen in pictures overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe it was right before my eyes.

Weeping copiously, I said to my friend, “I’m sorry. I’m just so thrilled by all this.” She said, “Don’t worry. I can see you’re having a wonderful time.” Meanwhile, I am almost hyperventilating.

Anyway, here are a few things that just slay me about the Brits:

1. I LOVE the word “whinging.” Americans don’t know what it means, but the next time I go to England, I plan to work it into the conversation every chance I get.

2. Clotted cream. We can’t get it here. A friend came to visit me from London last month, so I went all out and researched how to do a real English tea. I made scones – MADE SCONES! Then, I realized that scones suck without clotted cream and some sort of preserve. So, I followed the directions, put heavy cream in a low oven – for 12 hours!

The end result was a mass of stuff that looked like a white blob with a life of its own. It was sort of undulating at me, daring me. No, I didn’t serve it. The birds enjoyed the scones.

3. Names of towns – seriously, people. What’s up with Booby Dingle?

4. We want to sound like you. Note to Americans – stop it! You will only sound stupid. My friend was there for a matter of hours and sounded like the Queen was her Aunt Betty.

5. A chip sandwich is an actual menu item.

6. Do you guys still ship convicts to Australia? Send them to New Jersey. That’ll fix ’em.

7. Cheese Rolling – Now, I understand this takes place in May in the Cotswolds. The object seems to be rolling a huge wheel of cheese down a hill and trying to catch it. If you win, do you get to keep the cheese?

8. I’m sorry, but I watch a lot of BBC, and there is nothing more depressing than you people at the beach. The weather is always cold and raw, and there is no actual sand. The Atlantic always looks gray and foreboding, but God love ya – you’re going to catch some rays if it kills you.

There always seems to be a sad little amusement venue and a fish and chip shop gasping its last. Also, a lot of people bundled up in wheelchairs.

9. Morris Dancing – don’t even get me started.

10. Marmite. Yeah, I said it. Really?

11. Cricket – when does it start? And more importantly, when the f**k does it end?

I will probably go and do another post just for the TV and films. How can a people produce such masterpieces as “The Imitation Game” and still get a kick out of Bennie Hill?

Anyway, I love, love, love the British and the country. I can’t wait to go again, this time with my beloved. Maybe we’ll go to the Cotswolds in May. It’s that whole cheese thing.

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