More Martha – Someone Stop Me!

MarthaWhy can’t I get enough of this woman? I have no intention of doing any of the crazy stuff she does, like the time she fashioned massive (MASSIVE) balls out of the depleted grape vines from her vineyard. Then, she festooned them with thousands of lights and crystals.

How she got them hung is a mystery, because the trees were gigantic, as they would have to be to accommodate the size of these orbs. Of course, she had the trees – rare, and hundreds of years old. The result was jaw-dropping. There is no doubt that they were visible from any space station orbiting the stratosphere.

I laughed out loud when Martha made some dish, and said, “This honey is from my own hives, but any quality honey will do.”

Who says stuff like that? And from whom else would it sound so right?! Of course, Martha has a professional beekeeper on staff. She probably doesn’t slap on the old net and lift combs out of the swarms herself, but you know she could if she had to.

I wanted to smack her one, though, when she smirked at an interviewer and said, “I don’t have a microwave.” You know damn well she didn’t think we should have one either.  If there is one amongst you, my reading public, who says that she has not stood in front of your microwave, tapping your foot – you lie. Yeah. I said it.

I learned this a while back in an article in USA Today. We learned a lot of the nitty-gritty of Martha’s inner life. I suspect that Martha has dark depths that no one has dared to plumb, but who knows? Still waters run deep. I’m just sayin’.


– We learned that Martha has forty sets of dishes. Forty! Sets of dishes. They are neatly stored. I have one and maybe 1/3 sets, which I sometimes have to wash because I need to use them. Presumably, said sets of dishes have myriad combinations of tablecloths and napkins to go with them. I found an old package of paper cocktail napkins this past Thanksgiving Day. They had turkeys on them, so thought I was the cat’s ass.

– Martha does not order out pizza. She did it once and didn’t like it. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just un-American.

– She makes her Christmas gifts, like hand-sewn silk-lined scarves. For me, hand done is if I hand it to someone.

– There is a proper way to iron a monogram. This is good to know because if I ever a) have anything with a monogram or b) find the iron, I can call it up on YouTube.

– She gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs. Maybe I can teach my dogs to rollerblade, too.

It’s for shit-sure, I’M not strapping them on. That has emergency room written all over it.

– Martha says we need preparation and organization, and I can proudly say that I am already making inroads to Thanksgiving preparation. I already hand-dipped the leftover yams in gold paint to be part of the centerpiece come November.

I wasn’t going to tell you this because I don’t want you feel inadequate, but I not only boiled the turkey carcass for soup; I turned it upside down, and fired up the Bedazzler. It will make a nice holder for pine cones and juniper sprigs come December.

– I didn’t get this through Martha, but am thinking of submitting the idea to her magazine. What do you think of votive candles in the toilet when guests come over? Pros? Cons? I put this one to you, gentle reader. Your thoughts?

– Martha says even the most wealthy and influential of her friends want to know how to remove stains and properly fold a towel. Martha – get new friends.

Martha is very tech-savvy. Note: this has probably been a wonderful thing for her, because I imagine that making your own paper can probably get old after a while.

She has her own drone. I am not kidding. According to The New Yorker, she sends it all over her estate and farmland and it takes amazing aerial photos. When asked if it didn’t annoy her neighbors, Martha chuckled merrily, and said, “I don’t have any neighbors.”

Of course, whenever she cooks anything, she point to a beautiful array of multi-colored eggs which her own chickens have laid. She can tell you the genus of each chicken. I know that someday one of them will lay a Faberge.

She went on to mold some craft that she discovered in Turkmenistan, but no worries because you can find the supplies at any Turkmenistany craft store.

Now, I could lie and say that I’ll never post about Martha again, but you know that won’t happen. It won’t happen because she keeps upping her game. Martha just keeps discovering and getting more outrageous, and I love it.

I keep threatening to do some crazy Martha thing someday. My present thought is to turn my living room into a continuous mural of the Industrial Revolution to commemorate Labor Day. I don’t know if it will happen, though.

September seems awfully soon.


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