Oh, That Gwynnie!

spaceReaders, I have interrupted my account of our vacation because I have a confession to make. Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP newsletter has led me down a dark path. It has been a short hop to her gift guide.

I know that I have posted a similar piece before, but really, I just couldn’t help myself today.

The gift guide has become one of my main sources of levity, intellectual stimulation, and emotional sustenance. I laugh, I cry, it becomes a part of me. So, feeling a little blue today now that vacation is over and it is a cold, gray day, I took a peek at the last gift guide.

In what I am guessing is an effort to be more relatable, GP has added wonderful, practical gifts for those we love most, like the following. Please read the last sentence twice, because I find it mind-boggling.

WORLD VIEW EXPLORATION AT THE EDGE OF SPACE

“This two-part adventure begins in 2016 with a behind-the-scenes invitation to a World View test flight. The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona, is home for three nights; spend your days with the flight’s chase and recovery team and tour Biosphere 2 with original crew member and World View CEO Jane Poynter. In 2017, you and five companions will experience 360° views of Earth as a high-altitude balloon lifts your luxury pressurized capsule 100,000 feet above our planet. $90,000.00”

I know what someone’s getting for Christmas this year!

Spaces are limited to a lucky ten people. I want to meet those 10 people, but more importantly, I NEED to meet the recipients. If someone is willing to spend 90 large to send you 100,000 feet in the air, you have to be a special kind of someone. They are selling 10, but I guess only 6 make the cut.

Or………

mahjong

The Hermes Mah Jongh Set – $46,000  Is there any wonder as to why there is a waiting list?

Even by Gwynnie’s standards, those have to be major gifts, so if it’s stocking stuffers you need, look no further. Yes, GP has a section for Not So Basic Sex Toys.

For short money, Goop recommends the $395 Kiki de Montparnasse Droplet Necklace. “A discreet vibrating necklace that turns into nipple clamps,” the description says. Awesome. I love jewelry that multi-tasks.

I was contemplating the very affordable $20 anal beads when a particular item caught my eye. For that special someone (or yourself), you can get a 24-karat dildo $15,000.dildo

Since I feel that you can’t put a price on pleasure, I looked more closely and noticed two very important points.

  1. This item comes with discreet packaging. Well, one would hope so. My letter carrier is a very nice man, but I don’t want him coming to my door and saying, ” Here’s that solid gold dildo you’ve been waiting for!”
  2. It comes with a 10-year guarantee.

Personal note to GP – Honey, I don’t judge, but if you are worried that you might wear out a solid gold dildo in less than 10 years, something is amiss. What the hell are you doing with it? Gwynnie, talk to me, goose. I’m your girl and you can tell me. Really. Call me.

I’m also thinking that this is where that whole vaginal steam cleaning comes into play, but I could be wrong and one has nothing to do with the other. I may bring it up. I may not. I’ll just see what mood she’s in when she calls.

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