Until the mercury breaks 70 here in New England – probably around mid-August, I find I have an inordinate amount of time on my hands. I’ve been thinking a lot about assholes – not the orifice, but the increasingly large number of the world’s population. There are just so many of them. It’s a very disturbing trend.
Now, I have been known to exhibit my share of assholery from time to time. I admit it and I regret it. However, I was recently reminded of a guy I knew who declared, “I’m sick and tired of being called an asshole!”
Well, you know what? If this is a daily occurrence in your life, perhaps some introspection is called for. Maybe it’s time to take a hard look at yourself. Ironically, total lack of self-awareness is one of the classic signs, so you will rarely hear someone say, “Wow! I really AM an asshole.”
Along with other ideas still in development (ask me about the Shower-Bed!), The Savvy Survivor R & D team is working on the “A-NAL-Alert.” That’s right, friends, 4 out of 5 proctologists agree A-NAL Alert is the real deal!
It originally emitted a beep whenever one gets close, but I found that the number of hits out there was overwhelming. Now you a-hole detective newbies get a rather pleasant buzz sensation. Where you place it on your person is entirely up to you. If you feel the need for a cigarette after using, smoke ’em if you got ’em.
If you order on Amazon, you can also get my online course free with purchase. Upon completion of the syllabus and dissertation, I will personally come to your house (look for air charge on your credit card) to present you with your official “Asshole Detective” badge, certification, and cattle prod (for extra subway fun.) You can eventually get the pricey options like tear gas, but that is still being perfected in the SS lab. It’s in my basement.
I personally do not need one of these as my asshole-detection skills are honed to a rapier-like precision. My rule of thumb is anyone who approaches me, which is probably why I haven’t voluntarily left my house since 1987.
Just to prove it’s not all about the Benjamins with The Savvy One, here are some tips to help kick start your new awareness, and to make you feel more comfortable about coming over to the dark side. You know who you are, and you know that these are only a few things you may have thought of as well. It’s OK to brand the following as assholes. Ready?
1. Talk loudly on their cell phones. No one wants to listen, and possibly not even the person with whom they are speaking.
2. Are couples who plaster social media with their posts about their adorable relationships. No one gives a flying hoo-hah about how your moronic boyfriend hid a diamond in the chow mein. They don’t want to see the dental X-ray of your cracked molar either. No. One. Cares.
3. Bore you senseless with stories about their kids. If I’m interested, I will ask.
4. People who talk about themselves and have absolutely no interest in a dialogue. I no longer worry about being rude. Go ahead. It’s OK to walk away. You’ll be forgotten as soon as you leave.
5. Any Kardashian.
6. Those who feel entitled to ruin your entertainment experience, be it at a movie, the theater, or a concert. If you complain, they don’t even know why you are upset. Perhaps it’s because you just dropped a good chunk of change to see something and they think it’s fine to talk, eat, get on their cells, etc.
7. Anyone who makes you feel badly about yourself.
Keep in mind, these are very basic. You will fine-tune your skills over time. These cannot be taught. They must be cultivated, and cultivate them you shall.
Eventually, you will find it within yourself to let these people know that you think they are an asshole. Once you accept that you are doing these jackasses a solid, you will feel better about expressing yourself. You may also get shot, but use your better judgment.
This will be covered more comprehensively on the graduate level, as well as on subsequent posts.
Really, I urge you to consider not only my product, but my philosophy. People suck, and that suckitude is not only chronicled by me, but also by my dearest friends, the smartest people I know.
Cynical, yes – but in the end (no pun intended), it will save you a lot of grief and heartache. And if that’s not worth $29.95, I don’t know what is.