Love, Actually


I am not of the modern tech age. Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and the like mystify me. Sure, I occasionally check my page. I like to see my friends’ pictures and enjoy the fact that they think of me and send relevant content. If you are in my life, I am interested in your life.

That said, I do NOT understand the need to share every…single…thing that someone did or said today. (Just saw a bug!) Can anyone have an unexpressed thought anymore? Why do people find themselves so fascinating? Why do they think you want to hear the minutiae of their lives?

Doing that just wouldn’t occur to me. I’m not that interesting.

If someone wants to read my blog, that’s wonderful; but if not, that’s fine. I am not going to bombard them with endless details of my mundane existence vis a vie their news feeds.

I’m sorry. I’m veering off course on the topic of the overshare, and the specific target of obnoxious couples.

You know the ones. These couples have to post pictures of every date, didactic videos of themselves making out, declarations of love and lust, in-jokes like “Kumquats!!”. That sounds like some weird sex thing and I just don’t want to know.

It’s hard to find someone with whom you choose to share your life. Relationships are fraught with perils – hard times, hurt feelings, disappointment, heartache. Most of us have experienced those things, but we have also experienced being in love.

I get it. The world is an increasingly hostile place. I am happy for anyone who manages to eek out some love and comfort, who gains life enrichment with another person, or who makes a connection that is meaningful to them. I also understand that people in the first stages of love want to shout it from the rooftops.

What brought on today’s SS rant? I keep getting my newsfeed clogged by this crap and I don’t even know these people. I keep having to ask Facebook to end the posts. I feel like an unwilling participant in a stranger’s relationship, and do not find it cute. I find it irritating as hell.

The Couple Who Facebooks Together, Stays Together is a study out of the University of Wisconsin, and is an interesting take on how our behavior has adapted to the social media age. Despite the name, the study finds that couples that share too much are not destined for a happy ending.

Here’s the SS cold, hard truth… when two people really love each other, enjoy each other’s company and share a level of intimacy, the need to document every move is not necessary.

You not only sound like you are protesting too much, but more importantly, you are annoying the ever-loving shit out of the rest of us.

So here are some SS guidelines for Squishy Face and Schmoopy Pants:

No photos of you two apple picking (gag), no videos of getting your names tattooed on your asses, no modeling his and her T-shirts, and please, in the name of all that is holy – no pictures of you in bed together. Seriously, what the hell are you thinking?

No documenting your “monthiversaries” (“Two months together! They said it wouldn’t last, but I still love my baby!”) No saying goodnight on each other’s wall and I see it, too. No home-made T-shirts for your boyfriend that say, “If you think I am cute, you should see my girlfriend” and “Back off, girls! I’m taken!”

Someone just stab me in the forehead. Please.

Love makes the world go ’round, will keep us together, and is a many splendored thing, but please spare me the proposals on the Jumbotron.

I’m asking you – no, begging you, Squishy and Schmoopy. Stay out of my life and discover the joy of private texting. Thank you.

Love you guys. And I mean that sincerely.

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