Paging Dr. Phil…

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I have a like-dislike relationship with Dr. Phil. I am not so invested that I would say love-hate, but sometimes, he really annoys the daylights out of me. Robin? Don’t even get me started.

As DP is so fond of bragging, “I have more degrees than a thermometer.” Who says that? He is listed as having a BA from Midwestern State, an MA and PhD from North Texas U. Not only is that three by my count, but you don’t always need a medical degree to know that someone is seriously fucked up.

While the good doctor recently did me a solid with a piece of actually usable advice, I have stopped checking in more than once a week or so because it is the same show and some of the people are so awful that I wonder if they are real. I fear they are real, but my other question is why would you go in front of millions of people and tell them what a gross and disgusting individual you are?

Usually, Dr. Phil yells at the offensive parties and then sends them to a fabulous treatment facility. I want to get on in the worst way.

Think about it. You get your head shrunken in the AM, then your afternoons are free for shell hunting on San Marco Island, or getting massages in Malibu. I know because Dr. Phil shows us the brochures.

I’m guessing that you won’t see many swim-up bars at the infinity pools, but several of your fellow inmates should be able to get a line on some really good weed.

Occasionally, there will be a couple on who want to know if they should get get married (or divorced.) The guy may have a lengthy prison record and a serious gambling addiction. She may have been racking up huge credit card debt and sleeping with his brother for years. They call each other vile names, bring home STDs, fight incessantly, and try to hurt each other any way they can.

One couple thought that having date nights would be the glue that binds, but every date started out with the two of them zonked out of their gourds and having a knock-down drag out in whatever gin mill they landed in. She would barf in her purse, and they would call it a night. In all fairness, rekindling the magic is never easy.

After this seemingly endless cycle of misery, they look at Dr. Phil and actually say, “We want to know if you think we should get married (or divorced).” What?!

At this point, Dr. P will say, “Well, you do have some things to straighten out. I will arrange therapy for you in your town.” WHAT?!!

Today, he had on Kristina and Jayson, a couple on with questions. I am not making this up. YouTube May 20 if you don’t believe me. The guy of the couple had neglected his 4 children from another relationship, was CONVICTED of sexually abusing his toddler daughter and son, jailed for same, threatened to kill Kristina’s mother and blow up her house, failed his polygraphs, and what do they do? Have a baby!! He has assaulted her, does not work, and is a stalker.

Yep, Jayson is a special kind of someone and Kristina still loves him. She wants to work it out. I guess she’s waiting for something bad to happen.

Dr. Phil said, and I quote, “I’m the incurable optimist. I don’t think anyone is irredeemable.” He set up aforementioned therapy.

Therapy? What does he want to salvage in this relationship? Just once, I would love to hear him say what we are all thinking. That is, “FUCK NO!!!! You two are too stupid to live, never mind marry and procreate!! What has to happen before you throw his sick ass to the curb?”

His ratings would skyrocket. Did you ever see the faces of the audience when one of these freaks is on? Seriously, there are some blood-thirsty bitches in that studio. They would LOVE it if DP gave Kristina an assault rifle and gift card to a shooting range. That’s what I would do.

You know that Her Royal Savviness could rock her own show. I am thinking radio for now, as I have developed a fondness for working in my bathrobe. Right now, I have to run if I am going to finish up this post by 3:00. Dr. Phil is confronting giant babies today and I don’t want to miss it.

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